It was suggested to me recently I haven’t written a poem in a while. I took the hint. Not sure it’s what she expected, though.
Everywhere on Earth
There are things that come in twos
Coz no one likes the rhythm
Without listening to the blues.
Many years ago Marmite broke all the rules of advertising.
They suggested that some people don’t like their product.
The world of advertising were incredulous (except, I assume, the agency that came up with this idea). They thought the company was mad.
“Are you mad?” they said (see, told you). “You can’t suggest someone doesn’t like your product, you’ll put people off.”
However their PR men had spotted something. Marmite – you either love it or you hate it, and this went on to form the basis of one of the most successful campaigns in British TV history.
Now obviously Marmite is the Devil’s smegma. However my brother (aged 41 and 6 months) becomes inappropriately excited by Twiglets (which I maintain are real twigs, covered in tarmac, though the packet assures us they are Marmite covered breadsticks)- to wit, upon finding we had had them for the Christmas Evening buffet had him running round like a 5 year old at a party.
My Dad’s response?
“I’m not really that keen on Marmite.”
NOT THAT KEEN. NO ONE IS NEUTRAL ABOUT MARMITE. You can’t be ‘not that keen’.
Millions of pounds worth of advertising undermined in one sentence.
Chinese space officials today admitted that they are sending real astronauts to the moon, as it is easier than faking a moon-landing convincingly.
“Modelling the low gravity on a sound stage is a huge problem,” one unnamed official admitted. “We tried CGI, but the cost of the render-time was more than actually sending a ship there.”
Instead the actual landing will be preceded by 2 other spaceships, one carrying the 20 man production crew, and another containing a specially made Ikea flat pack sound stage – known as “fakr”- with all the pieces needed, including polystyrene ‘moon-rocks’.
NASA official Buzz Trellis said “We wish we’d done this. No-one believes real footage- fake is always more convincing.”
Sent by me today.
It’s been quite stressful at work recently, so I and the two ladies I share an office with all chipped in last week for some comfort food, and Wendy and I took ourselves to the local store to stock up.
Among the items, Wendy selected a Haribo Mega-mix bag (yeah we’re a bunch of 40-somethings eating kids’ treat bags. Like I say, stressed). I must admit I had some reservations, as I am not a lover of the Gold-bear. However I realise that your jellies are formulated for a younger palate, not a middle aged man, and it was a ‘Mega-mix’ bag. As such the pack also tantalised with the promise of ‘Tang-fastics’, and I do like a sharp/sour sweet. We also bought chocolate chip cookies and bags of scampi fries and bacon fries. As you can see we were not planning to run our afternoon snacks past a doctor for their approval, but were intending to cheer our minds and taste buds (if not our arteries).
Upon opening the bag I sorted through for something I would like, and retrieved a packet of Tang-fastic. I say ‘a packet’; it would be more accurate to say ‘THE packet’. Yes, much to my disappointment, there was only one pack of this fizzy delight. And not just my disappointment, for it turned out Robbo also fancied a pack, and I had snagged the only one. I have thus upset my colleague, and she’s Australian, so not someone I wish to anger.
There were a few packets of what my colleague Wendy assures me are called ‘Star-mix’, but not many. Indeed, an unofficial audit between us (the bin has been emptied, so we can’t count the packs) suggests that of the 25 packs, at least 18 were Gold-bears. 72% (plus) of this gummy ursine seems rather excessive in something that represents itself as a ‘mega-mix’.
We therefore wish to register our disappointment, our distress even, at this oversight by your packing machine. I was so upset I had to have another packet of Bacon Fries.
Ian, Wendy and Emma (aka Robbo)
PS Robbo wishes to make it clear she is not yet a 40-something.
PPS Wendy says age is immaterial, as your slogan is “Kids and adults love it so, the happy world of Haribo.” We would add, “unless you like Tang-fastic or Star-mix, when you are in for a disappointment.”
If the Daily Mail wants to talk about 1930′s political affiliations can we all make a point in posting the following reminder.
The Daily Mail – The paper that supported Hitler.
Pass it on.
Chain of Command is the new platoon level wargame from the Too Fat Lardies. Rich has produced a QRS. However before that had been published I had already started my own. These I feel are the best lay out.
Sheet 1 – Command and Movement
Sheet 2 – Combat and Morale
Sheet 3 – Vehicle Combat.
Please note some suspected anomalies have been double checked by people on the Lardies Yahoo Group, specifically 1) 0 and 1 net hits on soft skins and 2) The difference between Road and Broken wheeled movement: ALL hard ground counts as Road.
UPDATE 19 Sept 13. Updated to amend a couple of errors that had crept in.
It’s come in at 118000 words, or there about. It’s currently with 3 people for reading/finding cockups/grammar errors.
It also has two endings, I don’t know which one I want.
Ok, maybe not finished finished -I need to round off the odd chapter – I’ve put in ??? to say ‘Something more, possibly’.
But after 15 months (I had a long break in the middle, – not stressed enough) and 118,000 words I have a novel that can be read as such.
Now just need to tighten up the start, make sure the continuity works, and correct a few pages. THEN start the editing of the first draft.
I actually have a novel.
Bugger. That’s a bit scary. Never written anything this long before
I present four sets of cards, one for each of the major European combatants, fot the Too Fat Lardies wargame “I Ain’t Been Shot Mum”. Rather than boring cards with just the words on, these contain period images (except a couple of modern ones thrown up by image search on Google and Bing where no other period image was found).
Included in each set is a Nation specific ‘Tea Break’ card, as well as a propagander poster for an ‘Umpire Card’ and a untitled portrait of the national wartime leader to use as a ‘joker’ or second umpire card, or what ever (though neither Churchill or Stalin were the head of state). There is also a ‘Title Card’ to stick on the outside of a box you keep them in.
Each set’s background is colour coded: Green for the US, Red for USSR etc.
The fifth file is Card Backs of the title panel from the 3rd edition rules – reproduced by kind permission of Chief Lardie Richard Clarke. If you flip the printed sheet over these SHOULD line up, assuming you use the same top edge both times (you’ll note the larger space at the bottom than the top, though left and right margins are identical).
When I print cards at home I print on plain paper then laminate before cutting up. If anyone wants the jpegs of the cards to send to a commercial printer to place on proper cards, such as ‘Artscow’, let me know.
EDIT: Word of caution – just thought: these are on A4 paper – not sure what will happen on US ‘Letter’ size paper!
To the best of my knowledge all images (except the ‘modern’ ones) are free of copyright, being owned and made available by various national governments. Where possible I have included the title of the picture to give some sort of background to what it is of. The modern ones are from image search, and uncredited, though may be advertising.
I’ve previously posted ship data sheets for the ships of the line at Trafalgar for the Too Fat Lardies rules “Kiss Me Hardy”.
Here are the other ships present, 5th rates or unrated. They didn’t fight but scouted beforehand or picked up survivors. The Pickle was the ship that took the news of Trafalgar, both the victory and Nelson’s death, back to Britain.
Picked up my first pair of glasses today (proper prescription glasses, not shades).
I’ve always had good eyesight, often surprising the opticians with what I can read – I can read the 4.5 meter line on a chart. My last test was 3 years ago, and I was due back a year ago, on a two year recall. I never quite got round to booking the appointment.
However over the last couple of months I’ve noticed it was taking a second or two to snap into focus when reading smaller fonts, so I finally made an appointment. As suspected I need reading glasses.
Its odd, because I’m not used to having anything on my face, its going to take time to ignore the weight on my nose, and the fact the pages and VDU are now framed. Also I ONLY need reading glasses – I still have ‘fighter pilot vision’ as the opthalmist called it; better than 6/6 (20/20). This means when I’m wearing the glasses anything more than arms length away goes blurry as my distance vision kicks in and wonders what idiot put these lenses in the way!
So now if someone talks to me while I work I look up at a slightly fuzzy person. Sitting on my laptop I perched them on the end of my nose, so I look at the screen through them, but can watch TV over the top!
I have a Cat in a Hat now. Cats in Hats are cool.
I’m The Doctor, but don’t ask Who
Just meet my old girl, dressed in blue
You may find me a wily old fox
And not a madman in a box.
Travel through time, and travel through space
To anywhen, and anyplace.
From Big Bang to Big Crunch
To farthest star then back for lunch.
Remember, I never ever use a gun.
So when danger comes I’ll just shout RUN
I sonic open the strongest locks
But I am not a madman in a box
I’ll wear a scarf, or fez or suit
And piece of salad, or Converse boot.
Destroyer of Worlds, the Bringer of Darkness
The Oncoming Storm (All me, not Harkness)
You’ll see pits and quarries that all look the same
Monsters of ice, beasts of flame
There may be homicidal pepperpots
Who are scared of a madman in a box
Fixed points in time cannot be changed,
For reasons mad, weird or deranged,
There’s one more thing, now let me think,
Ah yes, you must never ever blink.
So as I travel through time and space
With Sarah-Jane, the Ponds and Ace,
Through the thrills, the spills and shocks,
I most definitely am a madman in a box!
Dux Britanniarum (DB henceforth) is the new Early Medieval (aka Dark Ages) game from the Two Fat Lardies. I had played in the demo game at the Newbury Wargames Show about a month ago, but Friday night was the first time I’d played where I had any true grasp of the rules. The are specifically designed for the early period, Romano British v invading Saxons, 5th century stuff, though they could easily be used with later periods.
My regular opponent ‘Sunjester’ had bought the rules, along with the card packs (more later) for £25, as he had lots of 25mm figures that hadn’t seen a table for some years. The book is approx 100 pages from the look of it, printed on high quality glossy paper in colour and ‘perfect bound’, similar to the TFL recent releases ‘I Ain’t Been Shot Mum’ (version 3) and ‘Charlie Don’t Surf’. The pro’s and cons of the increase of production values is argued on wargame fora across the internet, so I won’t go into them here, except to say I liked the general look. The card packs are playing card sized, rather than the oversize cards produced for IABSM.
WR – World Record
OR – Olympic Record
PB – Personal Best
SB – Season’s Best
MSLH – Mum Still Loves Him
PBD – Plucky But Doomed
LFYW – Last Four Years Wasted
JPE – Just Plain Embarrassing
CYNHO – Country You’ve Never Heard Of
NRSIAW – No, Really, She Is A Woman
MBOD – Must Be On Drugs
AICIDWG – Amnesty International Case If Doesn’t Win Gold
(NB, this was introduced in 1989, following the removal of GOG – Gold Or Gulag)
Beach Volleyball – Women
NA – Nice Arse
BOC – Bit Of Cellulite
FT – Freakishly Tall
Diving – Men
PFMAW – Porn for Middle Aged Women.
If you ‘know’ any more, please add!