“Arrrrgh, you be late.” The Admiral had obviously had a good Christmas, waving a brand new cutlass in one hand, and a half empty bottle of rum in the other. “We should have been set sail these 8 days hence, you scurvy dog”.
“A number of points there, Admiral” Hussar said. “One- I had to get a new uniform made. I refuse to captain the ship looking anything other than absolutely spiffing. Two- there are other battles to be fought, by land as well as sea. I have just been part of a lengthy campaign as part of a multi-national force giving unreason a good kicking”
And Three- you decided to sail just before Christmas. Like many other northern Europeans I was engaged in rituals to remind the sun to stop going to bed early. That, and I had some fine wines in.”
“Ye cur, that bain’t be no way to talk to an Admiral.”
“And that’s another thing. For this voyage at least we are not going to be having with all this pirate nonsense.” The admiral spat a mouthful of rum out. “Instead I have a letter of Marque signed by a servant of the Crown, instructing us to fight ignorance and pigheadishness where ever we find it.”
“And this Servant of the Crown, would he be standin’ before me in a brand new, and rather foppish, uniform?”
“Might be”
“And could we infer that neither Her Majesty, nor her government know anything about said letter?”
“Ah, but at least it’s officially unofficial!”
At that point the discussion was interrupted by Decrepit Old Fool waving from the gangplank. “Have I missed the sailing?”
“Well as you seem to be standing on the gangplank, it is safe to assume we are still moored. You seem anxious to get aboard.”
“Save me from Liberals.”
“We are Liberals.”
“But you don’t put ideology ahead of rational thought like this lot”
Ropes were hauled, cutlasses were placed in scabbards with satisfying ‘snick’ noises, and meaningful looks were exchanged as the wind filled the sails, and “HMS Elitist Bastard” pulled away from the quay. Winter clouds scudded across the sky as the ship pushed its way through leaden seas.
“Make a signal Bo’sun – ‘England Expects Every Man Shall Stand His Round.'”
Suddenly from the Crows Nest the lookout ***Dave gave a cry. He passed a link down, how the Global Warming deniers had accused a childrens website of politicising the debate.
“Run out the Carronades, I intend to give them a shot across the bows ” barked Captain Hussar
“I think the The International Conspiracy of Mad Scientists are going to want more that that Captain.”
The Captain looked at ICMS. “What you got in mind?” ICMS indicated the fully loaded cannons. The Captain smiled “Make Ready for Action. Drummer-boy; Beat To Quarters. Run out the cannons. Mr ICMS, fire your broadside.”
“Oh Huzzar!”
“Cap’n. They’re making a signal”.
“Pass me your spy-glass, let me read it – ‘Ha. Ha. Did. Not. Hurt. Us. In. Fact. You. Like. Us. More. Now. Than. You. Used. To.’ What in the name of all that is provable under reasonable controlled conditions are they talking about? Every one can see the anti-science stand of the American Right is in tatters!”
“Sir, If may have a word” said the maths-geek standing by the ship’s biggest gun, nicknamed ‘Correct Methodology’.
“Speak up Mr Ecstathy.”
“I believe they are using an old ploy known as ‘selective statistics’. Permission to blow a hole in it sir?”
“Fire away“.
“Mr Cujo, do you have some shot and shell to add to this little fracas?”
“No Captain, but I know a man who has some tactics worth listening to”
Suddenly Captain Hussar fell to the deck, grasping his chest. “Kiss me Hunter” He gasped.
“Nice try sunshine. That one isn’t going to sail. Faking your death isn’t going to get me to kiss you, or disguise the fact you’ve written yourself into a corner. Do you know how we are going to end this?”
Hussar stood up. “We could offer them Tim Minchin’s wife.”
“Don’t seem to be able to rise to that challenge Captain” confirmed a lookout. “They are retreating while they argue about it”
“The problem is they are like zombie ships. No matter how often you fill them full of holes, and sink the arguments, they keep coming back, having learnt nothing. What we need is some entertainment. Lud In The Mist- see if you can get together some kind of Guitar Group. Something that pisses off the “War, War” crowd. Tonight we party!”
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Last Hussar's Barracks 